no warnings needed

Lately, my dreams have been ranging from terrifying to just weird. I really have no idea what to make of any of them other than they gave off the vibe of watching a very terrible movie, and living through it at the same time. Is there a term for it? I dunno. Some dreams stood out more than others, and most I can't really remember anymore because I almost instantly forget the moment I wake up in the morning. But it's funny how the scary ones I can remember more because of how utterly confused I felt when I woke up.

I wanna talk about the one dream I had about this tall, tall man. I was reverted back as a child in some kind of field/meadow with tall green grass, and there's this rustic farm house with a huge tree I couldn't really discern. I wasn't the only one in the house cuz there were three other kids and looked after a lady whose face I no longer remember but I do know she had brown hair tied in those fancy bun hairstyles, I can't really describe it. Anyways, one of the kids suddenly vanished one day and came back the next day with this... weird man. Very tall. Almost as tall as the tree. Wore a suit-like outfit, pale white skin and this absolutely horrifying facial expression. Like a smile stretched out with a liquify tool. In hindsight he looked more like a bootleg slenderman, but he walked towards us in extremely wide strides. The lady quickly slammed the door shut after ushering the rest of us kids back inside the house, shut all the windows and then took us to the basement. She didn't say a word the entire time, and I didn't really know what was happening. She left us in the basement and closed the door behind her. We didn't hear anything for about five minutes before I heard banging from the floorboards above us. It was faint, and then grew louder and louder, and then I woke up. It was now 7 am, and I remember feeling so confused and terrified by it.

I have no idea what that dream was about. Still don't. It felt like one of those American horror movies (the entire atmosphere of the dream was like... old western movie style. I dunno), and I have no idea who the lady or those kids were. I can still see that man's face when I try to sleep, though. He doesn't make any noise, no part of his face moves at all at any point. Just a literal frozen smile, as if his face was copied and pasted from a still photograph.

warning for suicidal thoughts

For a long time now, it's been difficult for me to make friends. I do have a few childhood friends, though most of them now live elsewhere and I can only talk to them via the internet once in a while. I really do want to make friends, especially my own peers, but they're like... I dunno, I feel like they hate me. I was nobody's close friend all throughout my school life, and even then, the ones that speak to me only want me to help them on homework. My mother says it's because I'm antisocial and rude by not talking to others, but what do you even want me to say? I get awkward and nervous when confronted by people, and it gets worse trying to initiate conversation. Mostly because they have zero similar interests as me. They're already put together with proper plans in their lives while I'm still stuck in the past, reliving my pain all by myself. I have no one to turn to because they either don't get it, or just tell me to "suck it up and get over it!" like it'll go away the next day. I can't be in an already established friend group because I'm not a part of their shared history. It makes things awkward. I'm usually just forgotten about because I seldom speak out. And you know why? Because I don't want to suddenly say something and have everyone just look at me like they just realized I was there the entire time. I don't want them to feel weirded out that I'm there.

But that's probably my own undoing. It's because of myself that people tend to stay away from me. I like to claim that I don't need anyone but myself, but in reality, I'm just... lonely. That's it. I'm no longer angry or resentful of the world, I'm just so tired. Adulthood is tiring. Maybe I should just disappear. I'm out here trying my best to conform to everyone's standards and social cues, but honestly, how much longer can I really keep it up until I don't want to anymore? I'm sorry for the awkward silences. I'm sorry for the left-on-read messages. I'm sorry for not picking up the phone. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry for being here.

warning for suicidal thoughts, mentions of self-harm

Keeping this website up and adding things to it has been... how do you say this? Comforting in a way. Mostly distracts me from my thoughts. Anything does, really. If I'm not occupied with anything, I start thinking about suicidal thoughts. Contrary to what anyone might think, I'm afraid of it. I definitely don't want to die yet, but there's that little voice behind my head that's tempting me to. Maybe at least that's how people would start to care I existed. It's a difficult repetitiveness I've been dealing with since highschool. I'm really, truly, trying my best here.

Although, now that I think about it, I'm kinda doing a lot better than how I was back in highschool. I used to do self-harm and had hid it from my family, and I had once tried to hang myself in the school bathroom (which in hindsight, is pretty stupid). I'm not "fully cured" or "well" or anything now, but even as I slowly improve, without a concrete support system, I'm all alone with dealing with my many convoluted feelings. And that's just how it will be for me, I think. It's kinda pathetic, in a way... when it comes to being a friend, I'm never an option.

no warnings needed

Busy with a bunch of stuff, trying to get my mind off my negative feelings. Last night I had what was probably the funniest dream I could ever remember. It's starting to fade away, but the bits and pieces I managed to recall are still there. It involved me being in one of those super quick boats at sea being chased by vampires in water skiis? The context? I honestly have no idea. I do recall there someone else being in the boat with me as I wasn't the one steering it, but who they were is lost to me. Why vampires in the ocean?? Of all things to dream about... though the zero context makes it even funnier now that I think about it.

That reminds me of something. It's not really a dream I had, but rather a younger cousin's dream. She told me how she had a dream about being at our house for the summer, and for some reason a few characters from that volleyball anime Haikyuu were in there. She was binge-watching the entire anime on their Netflix at the time, so it made sense. What didn't make any sense was apparently my mother was making the boys do gardening work at her garden??? And I was there?? And I had beef with Oikawa??? What?? Why Oikawa out of all people?? Really no clue, but I thought it was worth sharing here. It's a pretty funny one now that I look back to it.

None here yet.